I've heard rumors that your "medical issues" involved you not eating the prison food. This couldn't possibly be your secret to how you're so goddamn thin, right? Just a coincidence? Isn't not eating
Although you have taught me something. If I ever wind up in jail, I just won't eat. That's a loophole of the American justice system -- if you don't eat, they HAVE to let you go! Clearly you have set a legal precedent.
Speaking of precedents, I really am intrigued by the fact that I've written this letter in the first place. Because I really could care less about you. Really. You're not even a blip on my radar. Until I checked CNN this morning and found you to be a free woman. That kind of irked me.
Hey, hope you can get out of house arrest soon. Besides the fact that the ankle bracelet clashes with everything (hey, you and Michelle Rodriguez could totally be BFF lol), I'm sure it must be such a chore to be stuck in your zillion-room mansion that you share with the three other people in your family and a bunch of servants. That must feel like prison, man.
Bitch. I want your lawyers.